Sanity
by Darth Corsa and Darth Manul
Summary: One-shot. What was Kenobi going through between his exile had started till he learnt to commune with Qui-Gon? Solitude? Madness? Pain of losses?


**Title:** **Sanity**

**Author:** DarthManul  
**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort  
**Disclaimer:** We are capturing the power, but neither Lucas' characters nor their world.  
**Summary: **What was Kenobi going through between his exile had started till he learnt to commune with Qui-Gon? Solitude? Madness? Pain of losses?  
**Author's Notes:** DarthCorsa strictly prohibited me including her in authors, but I definitely could not write this without her.

* * *

Obi-Wan Kenobi, the third Jedi on that Force-forgotten planet through the entire century at least, perhaps, buckled and leant his head against the wall, grinding the teeth. Its fresh plaster crunched and shallow crumbs fell into his collar. The Jedi already did not even think about his reddish hair—a couple of weeks would pass before some farmer neighbors come to visit the new settler; that was how he would be presented to them: "old wizard Ben Kenobi from the hills" with dirty, clotted hair, unshaven bristle, and sorrowful eyes like gimlets.

The Jedi had been being on Tatooine already for a few days and nearly all that time he had been fighting against the panic, which had been continuously assaulting his mind. Honestly, he considered the fact it had not come to him before that just the will of the Force. Crawling pass the clone outposts through the canyons of the Utapau, flying to the Polis Massa without navigation, making his way into the desecrated Temple shoulder to shoulder with Yoda, persuading Amidala to betray Anakin's location, and even dueling his former Padawan on Mustafar—Kenobi always had been in some kind of both exited and stressful state, which had been keeping him from thinking further than about concrete nearest plans. Now, it was over. Obi-Wan had numerous long years on the Tatooine and even the view of that lifeless desert, on which he had to look from day to day, could calm anyone down and place anxiety in one's heart. Inactivity did not leave its victim any chance to escape from it in momentary concerns.

"In your solitude on Tatooine, training I have for you," the Grand Master had said. "…your old Master, Qui-Gon Jinn. How to commune with him, I will teach you." However, meditation mood and, furthermore, soul balance was far away from Kenobi due to the literal great storm in the Force. Neither mental shields nor the steel of cold mind could stand crushing blows of its waves. Every now and then the Jedi swooned dangerously in motion, hardly balancing: it seemed, the ground was being removed from under his feet and he imagined the familiar physiognomy of Sidious-Palpatine, who was smiling spitefully and pulling the next control handle to throw Obi-Wan down, to tread his last hope in rough Tatooine desert dust.

What was that last hope for? They had not even tried to discuss it with Master Yoda. Perhaps, both the Jedi encouraged themselves separately: _hey, Emperor, neither you have not gotten us, nor your lackeys have done so; we are still going to fight, Your Majesty — we are the Jedi, we did not give up a thousand years ago, so we will not do now, how many Sith are there left in the galaxy..?_ Well, Kenobi-the-booby, why have you, the Jedi, millennium smarties, been fooled as kids? Why are you hiding at this poor vault, Master? Who are those Jedi, not been gotten by the Empire? Two especially dodgy, hunted on all the planets, members of the Council, who have not more than half-a-century left to live. Indeed, they would fight: after ten or twenty years of inactivity, they would check whether it was possible to do something. They would not give up: numerous planets would starve, the entire races would be wiped from the face of the galaxy, mines of Kessel would be overfilled — but the pair of foundlings, whose destiny was still unknown, would be hidden robustly from their own father. And, of course, there would always be the famous Jedi belief in a better; it definitely could not be damaged by sensing the last Padawans (the best Padawans, the smartest ones: they obeyed the Masters' order to run away) being killed somewhere for thousands of parsecs…

Kenobi did not find forces to make another step and just helplessly slid down the wall, not feeling his head being bloody cut. Perhaps, it was the thing that returned him to the reality. The state was similar to the meditation one, but the base was completely opposite. It was not calmness or detachment already—his soul was impotent, his boy was detached. It was madness. "So, you've failed to withstand, exile?" — "I just don't know how to stand against it." — "To stand against? You're the Jedi, you always must stand for… do you have anything to stand for?" — "It's dead. They're all dead. She is d-dead, too." — "So, do you give up?" — "I… must… not..!" — "Is there still anything behind this 'must'? Keeping silent? Never mind: soon you'll begin speaking to yourself…"

He came to himself and found his eyes welling tears, and the mouth greedily catching portions of dusty air; tremor penetrated him and Kenobi simply lay down on the floor, curling into a ball. However, there was no darkness behind his tightly closed lids. Oh, no! Not to be afraid, not to despair, not to yield..! But how to stand? There was nothing to catch hold of. May it appear, anything, for the great Force! "Pull yourself together!" — "And..?" — "And stop trembling!" — "And then?" — "Then? Pull yourself together now! Here — and now!"

"Qui-Gon..?"

Kenobi was looking senselessly to the corner, not standing up from the floor. There was not a shining image of the Master, as Yoda had explained, but the Jedi knew well: Jinn came to him. Qui-Gon came to Obi-Wan's head. Had the latter given up finally! No! Strangled squeak, which immediately turned into roar-wheeze, came out of the Jedi's throat. Kenobi jumped up abruptly and began grinding his trembling hands.

"Master! Don't leave me, please!"

The sun had been completely down and the darkness flooded the room. Cicadas never sing on the Tatooine, as well as nobody wanders around foreign house at night — Obi-Wan was sorely listening the silence.

"Master, I'm not going… I don't want to give up!" The Jedi pleaded bitterly.

One moment — and he felt the Master's hand on his shoulder. Obi-Wan hurried up to try to catch it, but his palm only crumpled the fabric of the tunic; meanwhile, Qui-Gon, it seemed, was already speaking from the other side.

"Be careful, young Padawan. Don't let the fear control your actions. You can handle it."

"I don't know how to do it," Obi-Wan whispered. "I don't know what for."

"Nevertheless, I believe in you. I trust in what you're doing."

"I do nothing here. And I even don't believe myself," the Padawan growled out, then continued sadly, "And I trust neither myself nor anybody — is it still possible, after everything that had happened?"

"You're still fighting, don't give up now — you've almost won. Any Master would be proud of such a Padawan. Now, I'm with you."

"Oh, really?" Kenobi was suddenly embraced not by anger — by rage. "You'd better been being with me all the last dozen years! There's nothing of your concern for now: Anakin had been found, where no one would search for the Chosen One, trained by your last wish, and you yourself now watch from the Force us disentangling this all!"

"Obi-Wan, I really had no choice there, on Naboo — "

"No, you did! There was a choice: you'd foreseen everything, hadn't you? Everything, including your death, the Chosen One's future, and me, rolling on the floor here, —everything!"

"Padawan, what are you talking about! If only I could be you… that is, I'm literally you from some point of view — "

"Oh, yes, you do! Maybe, you're going to hit your head against the wall with me?"

"Never more," Qui-Gon objected very seriously.

"More?" Kenobi was speaking hysterically and it was not fear that was making him trembling now.

"Oh, my poor Padawan," Jinn said sorrowfully much softer. "I promise you: when you learn to find me in the Force, I'll help you not to be in such a situation again."

"It seems, I've already found you," Obi-Wan marked a bit less resentfully.

"Well, you've _found me,_" the elder Jedi agreed. "However, talks in your head are completely different from ones _in the Force_. See you there."

For a few seconds the Jedi tried to understand the purpose of staring at the blank wall. Then, Kenobi turned round and crept to the unpacked bag, stepping as quiet as possible. He rummaged in it and took out his old mat for meditations, which had been serving the Jedi since the time of the latter being Padawan to Master Jinn. He was going to take the standard pose to commune to "real" Qui-Gon, but lingered suddenly and cleared the hair of dust and crumbs carefully first. Maybe, today attempt would not be successful enough — but Ben Kenobi would come to meet the neighbors first.


End file.
